Everything little kids learn is through modeling the people around them unconsciously. We learn our posture and attitudes and moods from interpreting every nuance of our parents gestures and tones. They often say one thing while demonstrating something that is the opposite of what they want us to learn and we in turn spread misery unconsciously. Careful observation is the key to lifting the misery off our backs.
I meditate with Holosync for an hour each morning. Sometimes I do another hour on my own right after that or later in the day to let the past bubble out as needed.
Feeling Angry/Frustrated/Sad is Called “Depression” in this Culture
During meditation I was remembering the time when I was two or three and how so many early cues and moods lead to learning how to be depressed. I watched mom being angry/frustrated/sad a million times and modeled this same attitude in my adult life. There was a sense of hopelessness and pointlessness to her moods. She didn’t have a lot of the tools and ideas we have now so my mom focused on being angry and fearing death.
One morning when I was around three, mom was lathering up her face with regular bar soap in the bathroom like she did every morning because her skin was so oily.
I never have to wash my face because my skin has always been so dry so I didn’t really understand why she did that. At the time I didn’t really notice this huge difference between us.
Mom had large oily pores and lank oily hair that she pulled back into a sparse ponytail every day. She had to wash her hair every day or it would be oily.
I had a thick head of dry kinky hair that was a completely different texture than hers. Mom insisted on keeping my hair short when I was little because she knew nothing about taking care of my type of hair texture. I had dry scalp and small pores and very dry skin because I was a completely different genetic composition or “race” than my mom was. How could I not have noticed this earlier?
This particular morning I had the sudden desire to go to the movies. I remember a feeling of excitement and pleasure thinking of the dark movie theater and the popcorn and coming into the bathroom and saying, “Let’s go to the movies!” and mom saying, “We can’t because it costs a buck and we don’t have a buck.”
“There’s a buck right there.” I said pointing at the bar of soap she had just put down.
“No that’s a bar of soap.” She said wearily, like she was tired of teaching me stuff all the time. She was always so tired in the morning and I was raring to go.
“Oh! that’s right, I forgot.” I still couldn’t picture a “buck” whatever that was. It was confusing trying to learn vocabulary as a toddler because she was talking about some abstract buck while holding a bar of soap. They both started with B so I had thought a “buck” was the soap she was putting down when she said the word buck.
She just seemed so tired and heavy when she said we didn’t have a buck so we couldn’t go to the movies. Like she was angry and frustrated and sad all at the same time.
During the meditation I just watched the scene and felt what it felt like in my body. Usually if i feel my body I can learn something about what a memory that bubbles up is trying to tell me. I could feel the angry/frustrated/sad feeling my mom was feeling as she pulled her oily thin hair back into its ponytail on her neck that morning.
I learned to link excitement and desire with shutting down and feeling angry/frustrated/sad, which is called “depression” in this culture. So every time I get excited or have a desire I shut it down right away.
Food is one thing you can usually have right when you desire it, so I have learned to compensate with that instead.
So any time I desire something I shut it down and don’t allow myself to go after it because it will be pointless anyway.
So the short cut in the body is to feel excitement and desire for something and that triggers immediate feelings of angry/frustrated/sad, and then eating if there is food instead.
I always wondered why I cut off my creativity so readily. I mean, I know why. it isn’t really sanctioned because it isn’t considered practical, that is obvious.
We want to make money and survive by doing things that will make money. But you might find that you are holding yourself back through subconscious patterning even more than the conscious messages can hold you back from your potential.